Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A BROWNS PRESS CONFERENCE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE

I was talking to my buddy Josh and he brought up the Browns weekly press conference, where the "pear shaped loser" Eric Mangini did what he likes to do best: to keep what he is doing with his shitty football team as secretive as possible, botch personnel decisions, and give the loyal fans in this city nothing to be optimistic about.

If I was advising the owner of the team, Mr. Lerner, here is what I would do: I would plant questions in the audience, and have a charasmatic assistant who has some presence in the room answer them on behalf of Mr. Lerner. Since I just described myself as the perfect press conference rep(I forgot great with women), just pretend it is myself who will be handling the questions and presentation.

Question # 1--Is Brady Quinn going to be the starter for the remainder of the season?

Answer: "You can bet your sweet ass he is. He's gonna take every rep in practice and every rep in the game. And were gonna try to build some comraderie and play to win. And were gonna throw it down the field. A LOT. Our line is gonna protect him, and were gonna cut it loose 35-45 times a game for the next 8 games. I don't care if we have to sign WR's from the Tremont flag football league, the ball is gonna be in the air a lot for the next 8 weeks. We gotta see if Brady Quinn can play football in this league. We gotta see if he can throw the ball with some pace in the middle of the field. We gotta see if he can throw the deep comeback route from the other hash. We needs to see if he develops the accumen to read and adjust to what defenses are doing to our offense. We gotta see if he can be accurate with the football. We gotta see if he has some balls, and isn't gonna be hurt like the pussy he's proven to be so far in his career. Bottom line, these next 8 games are gonna determine if he has a future with this organization. And if he proves he cannot play the game at an NFL level, we're gonna take long hard looks at Jimmy Clausen, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy and Jake Locker. All those guys are really good. And we are gonna need a quarterback who can lead us to another level in the coming years. So bottom line, Brady is gonna have to play pretty fucking good. Cause the guys Mr. Lerner has in his ear now don't think Brady is worth a shit. So it's all on Brady.

Question # 2--What is Bernie Kosar's role in this organization?

Answer: Bernie doesn't know a lot of things, but he knows more about offensive football than 99.9% of this world. And he loves Cleveland. And he loves the Cleveland Browns. The Miami lifestyle has been a thorn in his side for decades. We are trying to give him a role in which he can focus on and take pride in what he knows best, and that is the offensive side of the ball. Bernie was a genius with the ball in his hands. Everyone in this press room knows that. Many of you had the privilege of watching him play back when we the Browns had it going in the late 80s early 90s. Currently, we want to place him in a role where he oversees the football operations. He is going to report to me and to me only. He will be involved in all the offensive meetings. He will be involved in all the meetings leading up to the NFL draft. We hope to give him the autonomy to help us schematically with our offensive philosophy. We all know Bernie liked to challenge defenses vertically down the field. And he was good at it. And he's still good at it, this time not as a player but in a coaching role. He sees the game as a player and always will. And we want to harness that strength. We hope he can make us good at it. Time will tell whether we are going to consider him for an upper management position within our organization. I am sure a lot of you will be delighted if he was overseeing our day to day operations as general manager or director of player personnel. But for now, we are gonna keep him in a role where he has a wide lense view, reports to me and we'll move forward when I see fit.

Question #3--What kinda grade have you given our top 5 draft picks this season, and what kind of things will you want to see out of them in terms of progression in the next 8 weeks?

Answer: There's no question that the guys we drafted in the first five rounds are great kids and great football players. But the bottom line is they haven't performed at the level it takes to be successful in this league. So if you're asking for a grade right now, the answer would be incomplete. We have to keep in mind that they are young players still trying to get accustom to this league, but we also have to take a hard line and make sure they develop to be players that can help this team going forward. We have thrown Alex right into the fire. He plays a tough position, arguably the second hardest position on the field. Luckily he has been surrounded by some leaders who have helped him. But the stats don't lie. We cannot rush the football. And we're having a tough time protecting the QB. And he has been a part of that. We are gonna challenge him to continue to make the right protection calls and move his feet better. He will also have to deal with a lot of shot gun snaps. He knows that he will have to have a very productive offseason doing the things that are gonna make his feet better.

Mohamed Mass has a lot of talent. He has shown signs of being able to make plays down the field. He drops way too many balls. We haven't made it easy on him changing quarterbacks, and calling inefficient plays. We hope that changes. He's gonna be playing almost every snap for us. We would like to see him catch the ball consistently. We are going to try to design plays that isolate him with a coverage he can deal with. The one thing that bothers me is he keeps making the same mistakes he has always made. We want to see consistent improvement.

Same way with Brian. We want him in on a lot of snaps. We want to see if and when he gets one on one coverage, he can win the matchup. If he can't, we might have to move forward. He's gotta play really hard, and make the plays that he should make every time.

Veikune, Maiava and Francies are gonna be involved in several levels of special teams, and we are going to look to plug them in on our defense consistently. We want to see if those guys can make some of the plays necessary to be part of our defense going forward. Coye has to prove he can cover and make plays in space. The other two have show they have the strength and presence to be part of an NFL front 7. So far, we have seen none of that.

Question #4--Has Mr. Lerner been taking his football advice from the bum that sits outside the restaurant he eats lunch at everyday and the school crossing guard at a local school he lives by?

Answer: Haha. We have been getting that question a lot. And the answer is no. Mr Lerner is doing everything he can to surround himself with people that know football. In the past, I think he would admit he's been lazy. Currently, he is working around the clock to communicate with people that could be good for this organization. I know you have all heard Mike Holmgren's name being thrown around. He is just one of several men we are talking to. We want to re-work our organizational setup. We want a President of operations that has been part of successful football. We also want a general manager, and a director of player personnel. We want those 3 positions, as well as a head coach. The model for this organization will be built by those 4 positions, with the President having final say. There are going to be established roles, and decision making on personnel decisions will be given to our general manager. Our organizational behavior has to change. And it has to change immediately.

Question #5--Is Eric Mangini's job as head coach safe?

Answer: Absolutely not. Have you seen the guy? He's a pear shaped loser. Have you heard him talk? He sounds like a slow 5th grader whose in the bottom reading group. I can't believe he was on the Sopranos. We will critically evaluate him, and what he has done over the last 18 months at the end of the season. But make no mistake, his job is not safe. We want a coach this town can BELIEVE, and BELIEVE IN. Period.

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